5 min read

Getting It Together with Lane More (You Will Find Your People)

A conversation on building friendships, finding connections with other creative folks, and more.

GET IT TOGETHER is a weekly newsletter that covers punk/indie/pop music, visual art, and related culture that I find useful. I speak from a queer-feminist perspective about things that are often adjacent to my own creative practice.

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Lane Moore is a bestselling author, comedian, and musician who recently published a new book, You Will Find Your People: How To Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult. We met (online?) while both playing in bands in Brooklyn and I'm excited to reconnect here after she has amassed an impressive body of work that I identify with in a BIG way.

Lane's work talks about how embracing solitude, cultivating meaningful friendships, and prioritizing one's own needs and aspirations are transformative steps toward leading a fulfilling and authentic life. The way she discusses mental health and building relationships, along with her anecdotes on personal growth really foster a sense of community and validation that I find so necessary these days.

She's also just very funny, loves her dog Lights, and has some insights that I found very useful in our conversation below. I think her thoughtfulness, generosity, and humor make You Will Find Your People a really important book and I'm excited to share this interview with y'all, especially if you're not already familiar. You can buy her new book here and join her Patreon, which gives you access to her podcast I Thought It Was Just Me.

Your debut book is titled How To Be Alone, which is ironic considering a lot of your projects are now spent assuring people that they are in fact, not alone. Can you talk a bit about your trajectory from that title to your current podcast “I Thought It Was Just Me”?
I called the first book How To Be Alone not because I wanted to be alone, or thought it was better, but because I had no choice but to learn how to be on my own. it's such a valuable thing to learn even if I wish I hadn't had to learn it in such extremes. When I wrote that first book, I absolutely feared it WAS just me who felt like that, but I will say that the outpouring of people who read How To Be Alone and felt just like I did, like they were too weird and strange and they'd survived too much, and they related to me, made me more confident in writing my second book, and in starting this podcast about things you think only you think, or only you struggle with.

I’m kind of obsessed with the parts of You Will Find Your People that address specifically bad friends or those who just really aren’t your people. Can you talk about how recognizing those folks has impacted your creative or professional life?
Yeah, that's a tough one, I'm not wired to pick up on that stuff really. It takes me so long to notice someone's reasons for wanting to be my friend are nefarious, I'm just wired to see the good in people and believe what they tell me, which is such a good and bad thing. It's really stressful not knowing who to trust, and feeling like you don't know how to spot the bad ones because some of the bad ones are so good at looking like good ones.

I’ve sometimes found it difficult to connect with people who don’t work in art or music, or who have never had less traditional employment. What would you say to people who are trying to find friends who can also identify with them creatively or professionally?
That was actually something I struggled with a lot because I wanted that so much, but I was just meeting the wrong people who were not great people and then your guard goes up, and you just find good people wherever you can even if they can't relate to you as an artist or something. that's why I wanted to write about that kind of frustration in this book where I talk about playing with different musicians before my band It Was Romance was formed, and wondering why people I was playing music with every week didn't care if I was struggling, which was so weird and painful. But god, my dream friends are exactly that: other artists and musicians and we collaborate and talk about the highs and the struggles, that's always the dream. I'd say you can't force it, just keep the hope alive that you'll find them or they find you.

In your book, you talk about the pros and cons of work friendships and how that’s different for creative folks who have to navigate “networking” vs. friendship. Have you had many conversations with colleagues after publishing the book about that dynamic? Has writing about it helped address that inevitable awkwardness?
The very cool thing this book has done is a lot of people who I've known in the industry and always thought were cool, but I didn't want to "make it weird" or something, have come to me saying they always wanted to be my friend, and loved the book and in reading it, they realized really wanted to take that leap to say something to me and ask to be my friend. Which has been just the best surprise.

I really appreciate that you talk about how to be a better friend and identifying how your own actions affect your friendships. Is there anything you’re struggling with these days to be a better friend?
Being better about communicating my own needs, and my ability to take up space. I always would lean towards giving too much and codependency, which I've gotten a lot better about. and really trusting people to hear your needs and meet them and show up for you is a huge thing. Even if it can be really hard when you haven't gotten that in the past.

Last question, can you just talk about your dog for a minute? Adopting Lucy has been one of the greatest additions to my life. I just want someone else to acknowledge the joy of companion animals in this newsletter!
Dude, adopting my dog Lights has been the best thing I've ever done. I dedicated this book to her and even took our author photo together. We're literally holding hands in the photo and she's my family and my child and my best friend. I just...adopting a dog is the best thing I swear. Can't recommend it enough.

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