I didn't have any of this on my bingo card.

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I have a way of finding myself in situations that on paper sound like I made them up. Core memories from a bucket list I didn't know I had until it happened. Magnetic and talented people and places just shuffling themselves into my life in the most bizarre ways. Did you have [insert amazing yet absurd thing here] on your bingo card? Neither did I, yet here we are!

By myself at the top of the Eiffel tower. Or the top of a mountain. On stage in front of thousands. At a surprise secret show. In the water under the stars. Interviewing my guitar hero. Installing art in a museum. Sure, why not? What the fuck is even happening? I am grateful and privileged, yet still baffled.

I credit most of it to my tendency to just fill the gap myself - figure things out if no one else will. I don't let very many things stop me. It's a blessing and a curse. The more I do things myself the less it even occurs to me that someone else might want to help or care to be a part of it.

What's that Gin Blossoms line? If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

So I expect very little and do things alone by default like going see my favorite bands, visiting Paris, moving across the country, or tour managing five weeks of shows. It creates the opportunity to be in the right place at the right time. It makes for a lot of good stories. It also leads to incredible burnout.

After a couple of years of just taking care of myself full throttle, this year feels like an Etch-a-Sketch that someone spent hours creating then suddenly shook and threw across the room. My ability to just keep spinning and drawing were certainly helpful.

This second draft is looking pretty beautiful so far. I'm leaning into confidence and desire without shame. I'm learning about new music from new people. I'm moving slow, with intention, and making progress now that my anxiety has taken a back seat.

But the initiative and determination that got me to this stable place is also ready for a break. I find myself in conversation with more people lately who, like me, no longer want to be the adult in the room. The firefighter. The fixer. The wrangler of cats. We would like for someone else to step in and fill the gap. I'm setting expectations where either other people step up when needed or I step away.

I'm ok with it if it means less wild stories or scenarios that are impressive on paper. If I don't leave the desert for a month and just write some songs and look at the stars. If I work a remote gig that pays for my bills and a robot vacuum cleaner instead of expecting myself to do all of the things all of the time just because technically I can. If for the moment I figure it out for no one but myself.

For now I'll continue to Get It Together in a clean house with some studio space and an adorable dog and maybe–one day–someone else will do my taxes for me.

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